You may not believe this - but your view of yourself is not the same as others.
You feel stupid and ugly - actually, you are bright and quite beautiful. You've just made the mistake of absorbing the lies of people who do not have your best interests at heart. You can make the decision for the damage to stop. YOU can draw a line, because the ongoing damage is only in your head now. You haven't worked it out yet. All you can feel is a confused pain but believe me when I tell you that you that you will work this out and it will pass. And I wouldn't have had any of it any other way; your pain is what helps feed your empathy and admirable sense of compassion. It's a large part of what makes you such a lovely kid.
You are also aware that a war will begin shortly about your sexuality. Be kinder to your mother - though just as firm. She means well, and in the years to come will become a great ally and will not want you any other way. She just doesn't know it yet. You are right to stand up for yourself though. It is not you who needs to change.
Let go of your pain about Neil's death much sooner. It is what he would have wanted. He would have wanted you to be enriched by his friendship and life, not damaged by it. It took me 25 years to realise this and come to peace about it. Don't take so long, there's really no need.
I think what I am trying to say is let go of your sadness much quicker. Dance more. Be silly. Play with fashion. Listen to something other than Paul McCartney once in a while. Stop caring what other people think. Not everything is serious. Go out with people because you want to, not because they want you to. Don't feel bad about Dean now, he really is a passing infatuation - you are more in love with the idea of love than actually in love with him. Be confident in who you are, because, you know what? You're alright.
Much much love,
Older Joe
P.S. Call me ANYTIME!
P.P.S Very shortly, when Bryan Sanders asks you if you are a fag, just say yes. Really, what have you got to lose?
